Advertisers Almost Achieve Goal: Totally Ununsable Internet

A desktop user closes one ad that blocked content to have another spawn when they began scrolling.

Baton Rouge, LA — In a stunning announcement, advertisers have said that their goal of making the internet completely unusable has almost been achieved. They expect to fully achieve their goal sometime in 2017.

“It is really remarkable,” said Sean E Reilly of Lamar Advertising. “When we set this goal, way back in the 1990s, we assumed that it would take a half-century or more to really make the entire internet unusable. But, we were also unaware of Moore’s Law back then – and that law has really proven true. When Google got into ad syndication, it changed the whole game. We were able to advance exponentially toward our goal.”

Sean E Reilly of Lamar Advertising has been surprised at how quickly advertising has evolved.

Sean E Reilly of Lamar Advertising has been surprised at how quickly advertising has evolved.

Initially, online advertising consisted of simple text links, or clickable images that didn’t impede with users’ experience. However, as the code and delivery systems became more advanced, advertising was able to be embedded within other content, eventually overtaking the actual content that a user intended to interact with.

“I remember, back around 2000, when we convinced The Family Education Network to run a rich media ad on their home page,” Reilly continued. “This was a company that had based its reputation on its integrity, teacher/school support, and educational content. But, for only a few hundred dollars, we were able to convince them to overlay an image of a boat with ‘Immodium AD’ across the side of it that moved across the page. Remember this is back when rich media ads like this were new, and people weren’t really aware of them. The click rate on that ad was through the roof. We knew we had something special at that point.”

Most users, however, are not fans of how advertising has evolved.

“Fuck! Jesus Christ! What the fuck is this thing, even? Come on – just fucking load, will you!” said one desktop user while trying to read a story at celebrity news site perezhilton.com. “This is ridiculous… shit! I didn’t mean to click on that. What the hell are you installing?! I better not get another virus from this fucker!”

We also found the vast majority of mobile users expressed frustration with recent experiences online.

“Come. The. Fuck. On,” explained one user while trying to get the weather on their iPhone. “How the fuck can you close the ad to view the temperature? That goddamn X is the size of a pin head. This is completely insane. Who the hell came up this bullshit?”

One mobile user wanted to close the ad, but kept clicking on the ad instead, while trying to click the small close button

A mobile user tried to close this ad, but kept clicking on the ad instead.

Edward Snowden told us that what users should be even more concerned about their loss of privacy.

“Right now, these advertisers know everything about you. They know what decisions you are going to make before you are even presented with the question. When you mix that with the tracking abilities of modern smartphones and native apps, they know who you are. They know where you are. And, they know what you are going to do in the future. It’s really quite scary and has major long-term consequences for, not only the United States, but human society more generally.”

Sean E Reilly disagreed with Snowden.

“He’s a traitor to this country. Put people’s lives at stake so he could get some publicity for himself. There are no nefarious reasons for tracking users. The more we know about a user, the better we can serve that user with our advertising. We can show them advertorial content that is in-line with their lifestyle – that is going to benefit them the most. Most users know this and understand the benefits, which is why most users are fine with us collecting this data. The chicken littles who see the sky falling are living in a fantasy world, and I’d recommend that they join us in the real world. It’s a lot more fun here.”

However, one user on a brand new Android phone outside of an AT&T store, had this to say, “God-fucking-dammit-crack-mothering-whore! I fucking hate this shit. If I ever find the people who make these ass-sucking, life-taking, taint-licking ads I’m gonna fucking bury them. Why the fuck is my phone restarting now?? What the fuck is going on!!!”

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