Atlanta, GA — In a stunning announcement, Coca-Cola announced today that it had not only achieved its goal of replenishing all water it uses for its beverage lines five years early, but it had also solved the clean water issue that has plagued mankind since the species evolved.
“It’s an amazing day to have a Coke and a smile,” announced CEO Muhtah Kent. “Our goal was to ensure that any water Coca-Cola uses in creating our delicious and refreshing beverages would be replenished by the company using arbitrary accounting methods and various partners throughout the world to achieve those goals by 2020. Well, I am here to announce that, arbitrarily, we have achieved that five years earlier than planned.”
He went on to describe, using the same accounting methods, how the company had also figured out how to solve the clean water shortage for all humans and other animals on the planet.
“We’ve only partnered with a small number of organizations, in achieving this goal. Given the number of partners still available, we will continue to partner with them, until we have partnered with every last one, thereby creating much, much more water resources than our company could actually use, and being able to deliver pure, clean and delicious drinking water throughout the world. If you need to satisfy your thirst, think Coke.”
Leaders and analysts from all parts of the business world were cheering the news.
“This is why I have stuck with Coca-Cola as an investment for so long,” explained Warren Buffett. “You find sound business plans run by smart and motivated people, and invest long-term. That is the recipe for success. There is no magic – other than Coca-Cola’s accounting methods. Don’t write down that last part, by the way.”
“Buy, buy, buy!” shouted Jim Kramer above the already almost unbearable din. “This is once-in-a-generation news. This is the Titanic sinking, then being found, and all the passengers still being alive because the ocean water preserved them and they were able to live on sharks that they lured into the kitchen. It really is that big!”
Not everyone saw the news as all good, however. The Center For Research On Globalization released its own report showing a less-than-rosy picture.
“It is not possible for Coca-Cola to even define ‘water neutral’ much less achieve it,” said an analyst with the center, who did not want to be named for fear of taking away focus from the data in the report. “Are they taking into account health issues associated with their product and processing/shipment of those products? Are they returning water to areas that they’ve stripped of water – where they’ve ruined the water table completely? You don’t have to ask them; the answer is ‘no’ of course. This is purely a marketing stunt, but the US business media will eat it up, and the citizens will likely drink more Coke because they will believe that if they drink more Coke, people who need clean water will get it. Idiocracy is real, dude, and it’s here now.”
“Fuck those guys – but, write that in a nice way,” was Mr. Kent’s response to our queries after speaking with the Center For Research On Globalization. ” Look, they need to market their little papers, same way that we have to market our delicious Monster drinks – which give you the energy you need to get through your 3pm meeting! I don’t blame them for being in the game, but they’re not gonna beat us. We own this fucking country. Wait, don’t print that. We own the fucking world!”
Asked if people in other parts of the world, in need of clean water, would be receiving it for free once they were producing so much of it, he was not able to say.
“Look, we want to help. We figured out the solution to the problem, and will be implementing it. There is no need for anyone to suffer, but that also includes me. I have to do, first and foremost, what is in our shareholders interest. If that means giving product away for free, because our stock goes up, then so be it. But, I am sure, however it works out, they’ll be able to enjoy the cool and refreshing – even life-saving – taste of Coca-Cola’s water beverage line. Hopefully, once they’ve had enough water to start getting healthy again, they will then consider Coke’s other line’s of beverages – maybe even the classic taste of Coca-Cola. It’s the taste of freedom, in a can.”