Elephant Would Totally Crush Its Tormentors, But Not An Asshole

Another completely foul animal taking photos of their rank offspring, torturing another animal, with their dickhead device

Plettenberg Bay, South Africa — Though she could totally crush these utter dickheads, the elephant remained calm even after the twelfth tourist in two hours had climbed onto her back for another goddamned iPhone photo session.

She had spent two years free in the wild, until being captured by a rabid pack of human beings. Put through a “re-education program” and chained up for the better part of her third year of life, she decided it wasn’t worth fighting and now spends days being gawked at, fondled, and climbed upon by the foulest smelling beasts.

“We do pretty good business, and she’s the star of the show,” captor and total fascist Don McSanders told us. “Kids love her and she’s so calm through the whole thing. She really does enjoy the interaction with people.”

If she wasn’t such a peaceful animal, down to the deepest depths of her soul, she’d have wiped out the lot of them before they’d even had a chance to run for help. She’s pictured how easily the skulls of small humans would pulverize to almost nothing – and with almost no effort on her part. But, she would prefer not to cause pain to other living things, even if they are the biggest douchebags in the animal kingdom.

“We came out here from Oklahoma,” said one American tourist, breathing heavily after walking twelve feet to look at our camera. “We have elephants at the zoo over in the next county, but they don’t let you touch them and ride them. This one even kissed Jenny! They’re so sweet! We’re gonna look on the internets when we get home and see if we can adopt one. Probably can’t with Obama in office, but if Trump wins, I bet we could. Jenny wants one for her birthday, and what Jenny wants, Jenny gets! I’d have to move some of my ATVs around in the garage, but we could find space for it to live.”

She had considered just ripping the skin off the face of the annoying small female in the group, but after making contact with her trunk, decided against it and pulled back. It wasn’t the young one’s fault that her parents were some of the worst parasites on the face of this planet, and she would likely grow up to be even worse under their “guidance.” She was not here to judge how others lived, even if they had tortured her for the last ten years.

“They don’t really want to retire, even when they start to slow down,” said the foulest piece of shit who had bought her and keeps her tied up in a garage when he isn’t selling her to strangers for five minutes at time. “They really do like this type of work. You know, in the wild they work all the time – even make the kids work. Makes us humans look pretty good, eh?”

Though she'd like to destroy her fascist tormentors she wants to ensure she is there for her friend even more.

Though she’d like to destroy her fascist tormentors she wants to ensure she is there for her friend even more.

Though she was tired and thirsty, and still likely had to deal with these swamp-assed monkeys climbing on her back another few hours, she comforted herself knowing that when she was back in her cell, she would see her friend. He’d been there even longer than her, and had not yet smashed into bits any of the urine-smelling evil fuckers that had pulled at and climbed upon him over the years. She could not do anything that would risk leaving him alone here, as she knew things would be even worse for him then.

Though she was not, and in all likelihood would never be, an asshole, she sometimes had glimpses of understanding why some creatures chose to become assholes. She just could never grasp why they then chose to remain assholes.

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