Hardanger Plateau, Norway — After centuries of putting up with the growing consumerism of Christmas, and the lessening of observance of his religious guidance, God finally reached his limit and killed Santa’s reindeer with a lightning strike this week. Over 300 were found dead in a remote part of the mountainous region of Norway. Though he only uses eight each Christmas, he has been collecting all flying reindeer, should there ever be a need for emergency coverage or building more teams as belief in Christmas grows throughout the world.
“This is just awful, and if I do say so myself, pretty petty of God,” Santa told us via Skype from the North Pole. “We’ve had our disagreements, but the reindeer had nothing to do with it. But, this is how he’s always been. Read the books if you don’t believe me. Just pain, suffering and torture for, most times, innocent people. He’s like the bad drunk father who’s pissed off about work, but instead comes home and beats his kids. I’m getting a little tired of it, honestly.”
During the Christmas season, Mr. Claus said that the reindeer remain closer to his home in the North Pole, but he does let them summer in Norway, which is the type of environment they thrive in and enjoy.
“I’m not a slave driver. We have a busy time and we all bust our asses during the month of December,” he explained. “But, once it’s over, we take good care of them. I mean, think about it, they can fly. If they didn’t like the work, I can’t keep them here. So, during the rest of the year, we let them go off and do what they want. They like that mountainous area of Norway. It’s peaceful and quiet, and until this week, was fucking safe, too.”
Some in the science community said that Santa shouldn’t be so quick to blame God for this.
“Animals get hit by lightning pretty regularly – just like people, though the rate of people getting hit has dropped quite a bit over the last hundred years,” Neil deGrass Tyson said from his office in Boston. “It is rare that we find a large number of animals dead, but reindeer tend to gather in large groups and will be close together, especially during dramatic weather events such as thunderstorms. It’s sad, but this, most likely, was just a natural event. Somewhat rare, but not out of the bounds of nature. Also, Santa talks like he knows there is a God, but honestly, none of us do. There may be, there may not be. One day science will tell us that.”
Santa Claus, however, told us that he had actually heard from God, and is sure of exactly what happened.
“Neil’s a good guy, and he’s talented as fuck. The way that he can hold an audience and teach people so easily – especially something as dead-boring as science. If I were smarter when I was young, I would have gone into something like he’s doing now, but of course, media has come a long way since I was a kid,” he laughed. “Really, though, God called me up right after he did it, and left some cryptic message. I think he’s drunk again, and he’s always leaving weird fucking messages like that. He still thinks it’s funny as hell that people took those books he wrote during his heavy drinking period and worship them – hell, start wars over them. He’s not a nice guy.”
Asked how he would put together his team of reindeer for the coming holiday season, he was unsure.
“No idea, honestly. You don’t just go out and pick up eight flying reindeer. They’re rare as shit, which is why I had hired so many of them on,” he explained. “Fucking God. You know what, let him have his way. I’ll call off Christmas this year, and people can go back to worshipping his drunk ass. See how long it takes for us to fall back into another dark age. Those were fun times – woohoo!”
Would he really not deliver on Christmas in 2016.
“I don’t know, man. I’m just in a bad spot and emotional right now. Those weren’t just employees, many were friends. They’re irreplaceable. I need to just work this out in my head and maybe I’ll figure out some other way to get people gifts. Maybe I can partner up with Uber – that’s the name of the taxi service the kids are using today, right?”
We prayed to God to get his side of the story, but have not received a reply yet. If we do, we will update this story.