Cupertino, CA — After the European Union ruled that Apple owes back taxes of $14.5b (US), the company and the US government agreed that only suckers and poor people should be paying taxes at this point in history. Though there have been public battles in the past between the US government and Apple over security and taxes, having Europeans try to collect taxes from the company only strengthened the underlying bond between the two.
“It’s outrageous that the EU would rule against a law-abiding company like Apple,” said House Speaker Paul Ryan yesterday. “Apple has followed every rule to a T – finding every loophole there is, completely legally, by the way. For them to come back and say that they are owed taxes just boggles the mind. From what I understand, there are lots of poor people now in Greece and Spain. If they need money from someone, get it from those people.”
Tim Cook, CEO of Apple, agreed.
“We were a bit shocked, but we will be appealing this. We are positive that there is a judge who understand that rich, white men and their businesses should not have to pay taxes. I mean, it’s 2016, for chrissakes. If we wanted to pay taxes, we would have just kept offices with no people in them in the US and laundered our profits there. We went to Ireland because, let’s be honest here, the Irish aren’t generally a very bright people, and they needed the few jobs that we could bring to their island. It was a match made in heaven, for us, anyway.”
“What really has to happen is that the tax code has to be completely re-done in the US,” Mr. Ryan continued. “The fact that we are forcing companies to set up shells overseas to hide revenue is not fair to anyone. They shouldn’t even have to look for loopholes – we should just remove them altogether and let them stay here. They can go to those other countries when they want exotic foods like fish and chips, or curries.”
Even Irish Finance Minister Michael Noonan agreed with Apple and the US government.
“We think that the EU went too far. Look, Apple is a great partner. We have no problems at all, and we don’t want them to leave. These bruises are from when I fell yesterday. Apple actually made me some ice packs and then cooked dinner when they saw how hurt I was. From the fall. I just hope they don’t leave. Being with someone so clumsy can’t be easy.”
“The ridiculous part of all of this is that these US companies think that they are going to avoid paying taxes in their country and avoid them here. They just want to operate using all of the tax-payer infrastructure without helping us to maintain the basics for the citizens of our society,” said European antitrust commissioner Margrethe Vestager. “Look at the way these operations are set up – follow the money, as one of your famous reporters once said. There are no employees in an office that collects billions of dollars every year. I agree that the tax codes should be re-done – they should be simplified, with all loopholes removed, so these companies are paying their fair share.”
Paul Ryan completely disagreed with that assessment, however.
“Right now, the US has the highest corporate tax rate in the world. Thirty-five percent. You can’t run a business paying that much in taxes. Now, look, we understand that most companies only pay between 20% and 25%, but that’s neither here nor there. We’d like to lower that rate to 20%, so businesses would then only be paying ten or twelve percent. And, if we can get some more Republicans in office, we’d then lower that rate to 10%, which effectively, would remove all taxes. That is the only sane business policy.”
Tim Cook simplified the argument.
“We’re Apple. We do what we want. You want a new iPhone? Well, get rid of the taxes, then. You got loads of poor people, and suckers who are too stupid to built businesses large enough to launder money offshore. Those losers can pay the taxes. Me? I need to make sure that the people at the top of my company never have to worry about their families becoming poor. The only way to do that is to overpay them – and not just a little bit. I need to pay them millions of dollars for jobs that a monkey would do for a bunch of bananas. And, at the end of the day, this is America, and that is the American dream. So, look, get rid of taxes, or no new nice shiny things to play with. You gonna play Pokemon on that 4S? Really?”